A 2026 GUIDE TO RENAMED WASHINGTON, D.C. POSTS-OF-DUTY
If you have not been in the District lately due to some use or lose leave or to treat a year-long migraine, you should know that the President is in the process of a self-loving frenzy renaming lots of the buildings and locations where you work. So, we thought we would look ahead to what is likely to happen next to get you ready when the guys with the gold lettering show up unannounced at your federal worksite to change the name of your POD. Happy New Year!
THE TRUMP-LINCOLN MEMORIAL – Lincoln may have saved Black Americans from an eternity of torture and enslavement. But has not Trump accomplished even more by freeing the long-oppressed White Man from the burden of treating other races and that other gender equally? Hobbled as they were by civil rights laws, equal pay obligations, disability protections, voting rights, gun control, and DEI mania, who could deny that Trump has made it possible for Caucasian chaps to retake their proper place atop America’s hierarchy of dominance? All hail to the liberator! Since Honest Abe takes up most of the floor space, a Trump fresco could be added to the ceiling, the columns filigreed in gold, and some fresh classified intelligence documents scattered about every morning to honor him.
TRUMP MANOR– Gotham’s savior, Batman, had Wayne Manor. So, why not replace the uninspired White House name plate with a tribute to America’s greatest occupant of it? Just think of all the balling that will be done there soon thanks to our leader’s East Wing design genius, not to mention the weddings, bar mitzvahs, gender reveals, Halloween parties, and other bacchanalia for all the favored people. After all, isn’t helping billionaires feast and party what our democracy nation is all about?
TRUMP NATIONAL CATHEDRAL – Who will ever forget the downward slide religion was on in America until Trump arrived in what the Rapture-focused among us might call The Golden Coming? Has he not put us on the path to imbedding the values of the fundamentalist Christian Religious Right into every nook, cranny and crevice of our lives? Abortion prohibitions, vaginal inspections, prayer in schools, ten commandment posters, demonizing non-Christians, vaccinations exemptions, questioning birth control rights, crucifix proliferation, destroying our finest universities in the name of Judism, etc.? Can I hear an “Alleluia!”
THE TRUMP LINE – England has its Prime Meridian Line, France has its Maginot Line and Hitler his Siegfried Line. So, it seems only fitting that we stop using the bland title of The Southern Border and spice it up by renaming it The Trump Line. Does anyone really doubt all he has done to heartlessly turn away those running for their lives. Or those eager to work our farms, do our most servile and unattractive labor, and boost our economy in return for a less-than-living wage ? The Trump Line would start on the west coast, run along the rim of the Gulf of America, and then up the east coast from Key West along the Mara Lago Ocean shore. (More on that later.)
TRUMP NATIONAL CEMETERY – Arlington National Cemetery is yet another unimaginative moniker going to waste. The injustice of that is particularly acute given the military genius Trump has demonstrated by ending so many wars around the world, targeting Canada and Greenland for conquest to forestall the looming military threat those notorious marauders pose, and winning the soccer world’s highest peace award. Even his bombing and killing around the world is unquestionably an act of a oil peace warrior. What greater tribute can there be to America’s fallen warriors than to let them rest for eternity under the aegis (and perhaps the shadow of a massive golden mausoleum) of our nation’s greatest peace warrior, tragically hobbled so young by crippling bone spurs?
THE TRUMP – London has The Tate, Paris The Louvre, and Russia The Hermitage. Why shouldn’t we call our greatest national museum The Trump? It is currently named after a foreigner, the Brit Scientist Smithson, whose wealth funded it. But who has done more to purge the Smithsonian of fake history about slavery, women’s struggles, the value of science, the achievements of other Presidents, and the accomplishments of non-White Men than our dear leader?
And when you think about it, does the word “America” really reflect who we are? How about “The Really Unbelievable Magnificent People” –or T.R.U.M.P for short?
